Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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