I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
