i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
