I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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