My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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