good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
