so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
