I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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