i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
