Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
