Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
