I swear she didn't look like that last week.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
