The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
