I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
