I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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