guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
