he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
