just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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