so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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