I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
