he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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