the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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