i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
