The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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