onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
