The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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