I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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