we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
