Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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