I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
