Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
