I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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