Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
