then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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