she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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