I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
