I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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