Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
