U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Can you bring me the toilet please
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
