Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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