I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
