I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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