this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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