my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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