Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
