Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
