So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
