And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
