pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
