Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
ttyl tear gas
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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