You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
