Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
