How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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