Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
