I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
