By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
