plz talk dirty to me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
