Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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