dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
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He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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